…I mean she is, but we pretty much stalk everybody this way.



Photo by gerlos via flickr.

Photo by gerlos via flickr.


Gentlemen listen up, cause I’ve got some news for you – we are stalking you. Yes, yes – I am speaking on behalf of my entire gender, including the hot ones and the really chill ones: ESPECIALLY the really chill ones – we are ALL stalking you.


Here’s the scene: you’ve been seeing this girl for awhile and it’s going really well. She has a birthday party this weekend and she’s asked you to tag along and meet her friends. You meet them and they all seem really nice – curious to meet you and interested in what you do, right? WRONG!!! Rewind to six weeks ago, when you first met this girl at Pottery Barn, or puppy-and-me yoga, or wherever you fellows meet the nice ladies these days. Now, fast forward by 5 minutes, stop. Right there, see it? You have only just successfully made off with her number, but she has already texted your name to three friends – they know your social security number and the name of your fourth grade teacher. They have in turn passed that information on to a network of girls who have analyzed your taste in movies on myspace, reviewed your recent tweets, and judged the last four girls who wrote on your facebook wall. The group of people you are “meeting” tonight know more about you than your mother, and it is only because they pre-approved you that you got to take this girl on that awkward first date (which they all know about, in detail) to begin with.


Am I exaggerating? Well, maybe – but not as much as you might think. A close friend just started online dating (let’s just call it the bar pick-up for the new millennium). In situations like this you have the option to get to know people slowly, a little bit at a time. She has exchanged several emails with a promising catch and she’s learned a handful of interesting things about him. But guess what sir: I know as many things about you as she does – and so do 4 of our other friends. The coworker of a friend recently met a great guy: hot, successful, sweet – awesome. After their first encounter she went back to her office and found out that he’s engaged. Oh my god, how did she know? She knew because she said goodbye to you, sat down at her desk and googled your ass – she’s no fool! So now, not only do you owe an explanation to this girl who you just asked on a second date (and maybe your fiancé, jerk), but also this story has already been heard by this girl’s coworkers and friends, and their friends’ coworkers, and their friends’ coworkers’ friends (and now some people on the internet, you’re welcome!).


So, girls are crazy? Yes! Of course girls are crazy, but this isn’t necessarily the evidence of that. We’re not obsessed with you and we don’t want to marry you and have all your babies – heck, 99% of the time we don’t even want to see you again! This is simply how girls process information. We talk to each other. We’re not sheep, and we’re certainly not incapable of making our own decisions, but you better believe that we’re going to entertain ourselves by sending your facebook page to eight of our friends before we agree to go on that first date. And if you don’t want our roommates and gym buddies to know that you “secretly heart The Notebook” you’d better take it off your Match.com profile, and quick! Our internet stalking is, first and foremost, skillful in ways you can’t imagine. But it is also quirky and endearing and, every once in awhile, totally awesome.


Take for example, my coworker’s roommate. She recently became enamored with one of those local celebrities who become known, more or less exclusively, for doing hilariously nerdy things on camera. After putting in the obligatory time scanning the New York Mag blogs and the YouTube clips, she found him online. After all, in an age where you can reconnect with an old college friend when you find them in all their glory on XTube, how hard (no pun intended…really) can it be to befriend someone you see filming in your neighborhood on  YouTube? Suffice it to say that the lady in question is a crafty and a charming one, and that her nerdiness and stalkitude are of the most adorable variety. It therefore comes as no surprise that she 1) decided a witty self-designed someecard was the best way to make contact, which she had obviously already figured out how to do, 2) immediately intrigued him with her clever and coy note, 3) and will be having his babies by next Wednesday, even though they’ve only gone out once! Kidding! I am just kidding! But she did see the gentlemen in question last night and I think it is pretty safe to say that he is just that in to her, in all her stalker glory.