(or at least expecting the answers to the Valentine’s FAQs)

Photo by cuorhome via flickr.

Photo by cuorhome via flickr.

What Special Foods Should I Eat/Serve on this Holiday and How Can they be Obtained?

You could take the traditional approach this Valentine’s Day by consulting the Slashfood list of some romantic foods or the Times reference section on chocolate. Or, take Grub’s Street’s advice and just eat…heart. Or, yah know, don’t.

If, by chance, you are trying to seduce someone like me, you know that your best bet is cheese. Or, if you are really trying to get me out of my pants as fast as possible, go for a chocolate and cheese combination.

But there is no need to get fancy this Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you and I’m cheap” quite like toast.

Finally, if you are single…or taken…or human, what you’ll really want to be eating this Valentine’s Day is Girl Scout Cookies – nothing says I love you like the sentence “take another one of my Thin Mints and I swear to god I will punch you in the face…again”. Unfortunately, the Cookie Gods are not a benevolent bunch (and apparently a nationwide troop of little girls doesn’t have the good sense or business acumen to ensure that people can have the option to pay obscene amounts of money for a little box of less-cookies-than-last-year in advance of Valentine’s Day) you will have to steal them.

What Should I Give The-Love-of-My-Life/This Dude (or Gal) I’ve Met Twice/My Hetero Life Mate/The Object of My Bromantic Affection this year?

Valentine’s Day is a gift-giving holiday. Like Halloween, a day engineered to encourage otherwise sane adult females to wander the streets of New York dressed like skanks, Valentine’s day allows you to go sailing across that fine line between gifts that are well thought out and gifts that are useless, silly or down right dirty.

For your single gal pal (or gay best friend) try these “Happy Valentine’s Day here’s a dude crying” magnets or go the good the old fashioned route with a sex toy. Sex toys are also the right choice for your lova’ (cause lets face it, who doesn’t love a gift that loves them back?) but this year you can also use your gal (or dudes) name to customize some word porn. Or, yah know, not.

If, like me, you’d like a big ol’ nerd to call your valentine I suggest this gift. Or, for your more sartorially minded nerds: these or these. Should your love be more bromantic in nature try one of these tshirts instead. Although, newsflash: if you are buying him clothes this isn’t a bromance, so maybe stick with beer.

If you are too cheap..errr romantic…to buy a gift this Valentine’s Day, why not compose your lady a love poem?

Hate someone this Valentine’s Day? Let them know by getting them a giant dead snake or, as Trojan suggests, give them the gift that keeps on giving – the clap.

What is the Best Course of Action if I’m Single this Valentine’s Day?

Spending Valentine’s Day alone this year? Not to worry, there are still lots of ways to be cuddled up by the end of the night! For starters you can buy your very own “Hug Me Pillow”, tear stains not included. If you’re interested in something a little more social  pack up your Hipster dating kit and head out to find yourself a beautiful single lady with straight bangs and plentiful tattoos, comes complete with a pleasantly hungover brunch the next morning. For those of you in New York (but outside of a one mile radius of Brooklyn) I suggest the oldest of Valentines traditions, tequila, preferably of the free variety.

Rachel Sent You Most of the Links Included in the Answers to the FAQs, does she ever work?

As far as I can tell? No.