Mondays are hard. I’ve chugged coffee, I’ve padded around the office barefoot, I’ve failed to understand simple sentences and instead mistaken them for a description of a complicated game that involves writing on your toes with someone on the West Coast…Mondays are hard. So rather than form sentences I give you, Status Messages I have Loved and one truism from the interwebs…Happy Monday!

Taylor –  i feel fairly certain that if i don’t get jai ho out of my head in time for work tomorrow, the sarahs of STONC will end my life.
Hilarious, true.

Billy – SUPPORT THIS NOBLE CAUSE!!! http://www.petitiononline.com/clear/

This has been his status message for a good long time now. It is hard to tell whether it is funniest a) because of its subject matter b) because of the obvious and longstanding excitement surrounding the cause or c) because of the hilarious picture of him looking truly thrilled about this noble cause that pops up next to his status message. It’s probably c), and you are just going to have to take my word for it.

This one is technically Mine. As usual it pilfers the cleverness of others, because I don’t do funny on Monday mornings –

Rachel:  a fly just drowned in the grease of my sandwich

me:  mmmmmmmm

Rachel:  i think this is a sign it’s going to be a beautiful day

And finally I leave you with a profound truth from the ladies over at Men Are Easy, I Need a Nap :

“McCarren Park will soon, again, turn into the cesspool of pasty exs and tattooed one night stands sitting on the grass, smoking grass or drinking margaritas out of styrofoam cups from The Turkey’s Nest”

So true! Happy Monday

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To: The CoWorker commonly referred to as “Wheezy”

From: The rest of the office

Message: STOP YELLING!

It is bad enough when you laugh — god knows — and I don’t know who you’re on the phone with but, please, SHUT UP! Because I’ll bet they have a PhD and, in spite of the wealth of stupid PhDs I know, I am going to go ahead and guarantee that they are smarter than you. And even if, by some miraculous little chance, you happen to be right about this,  it has been 25 minutes — I beg you — STOP YELLING!

Photo by furryscalyman via flickr

Photo by furryscalyman via flickr

The first day back from a holiday weekend is hard, harder still if you are the kind of bum who calls in sick on the Friday before a long weekend (I am). So rather than answer the ridiculous number of emails in your inbox (I’m not) or continuing trying to drink your iced coffee by scotch taping the straw rather than getting up to get a new one (I am, and it isn’t working very well), why not consider some interesting ladies in the world and around the web and leave the “working” until after your second post mid-morning coffee break?

1) In a move that the Huffington Post called “stunning”  and Hot Air calls a lot of things that don’t add up to the the nomination of a “thoughtful jurist”  President Obama announced Sonia Sotomayor as his pick to replace Justice Souter

2) Love her or hate her, Hilary Clinton made news this weekend not only by receiving an honorary doctorate from her Ivy League alma mater but also by extending benefits and protections to the same-sex partners of American diplomats.

3) It is not a secret that I am obsessed with Manohla Darghis. In a strange move that can only be explained by gross understaffing in the newsroom, the Times has accidentally assigned Manohla a story about something she doesn’t totally loathe. While the result lacks a certain amount of the acerbic wit and anti-romcom venom I love her for, you can check out her, still excellent, coverage of Cannes here and here.

4) And from the blogosphere I can’t resist giving love to Sweet Machine over at Shapely Prose who I adore not only for taking her name from a Doty poem but also for posting a genius piece yesterday on queering her mirror. Or if “a physical fight between the mother of a cripple and a woman wearing a pair of bedazzled sunglasses” is more your thing, I encourage you to checkout ANYTHING by the hilarious bird (or her hilarious partner in crime) at 2 Birds 1 Blog (http://www.2birds1blog.com/)

5) If loud mouthed opinionated and hilarious women aren’t your thing (you probably stopped reading like…335 words ago) check out a lady who doesn’t talk back…because she is made of plastic! Rebecca Rubin is the newest American Girl and a New Yorker to boot – so come to think of it, plastic or not, she probably can’t be counted on to keep her mouth shut.

6) And speaking of noisey in New York, check out Janet McTeer, Harriet Walter, Jane Alexander, Allison Janney, Alice Ripley, Tovah Feldshuh, Angela Lansbury and Liza Minnelli not to mention Kristin Scott Thomas, Stockard Channing, Olympia Dukakis and a whole host of other awesome Broadway ladies this season.

7) Last but not least, I give you a lovely lady of days gone by. The Times ran a sweet piece over the weekend on some wartime mementos of the late (great) Donna Reed.

 

And we're back...photo by jesusskateboarding.com

And we're back...photo by jesusskateboarding.com

Alright, so some might say I neglected/ failed /flat out forgot to blog for six weeks because I am more or less a lazy bum. Some might say that, but I like to think I was making an important statement with my silence…I just haven’t entirely worked out what that statement was yet. 

  Thank you very much twenty-first century, for creating a world where, by email, text, facebook status, tweet, and blog, I can boldly proclaim to the world – “World…I don’t particularly have anything interesting to say.”

Not to worry though, friends, that fact has never slowed me down before!

 

 The straightforward lesson learned is that I am a simpleminded sort. And while I am frequently ensorcelled by new technologies, between my twitterpation and my smart phone swoonery, good old fashioned blogging accidentally fell through the cracks. 

…When you don’t have time to write – steal!

 

So, I have been unusually busy with work…I know, I know it is shocking to find that I do in fact work…somtimes. So, in lieu of writing a post I have decided to present you with some inspirational poetry stolen, like all truly great things in this life, from a friend’s facebook wall. Not to worry though, my friends aren’t clever either, he has in turn stolen it from bash.org.

Happy reading:

 

once upon a midnight dreary,
while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious
site of ‘ hot xxx galore’.
While i clicked my fav’rite bookmark,
suddenly there came a warning,
and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
” ‘Tis not possible!”, i muttered,
” give me back my free hardcore!”
quoth the server, 404.

Because my friends are far more clever than I and a gchat status is the awesomest way to indicate your mood, level of wit, and general lovability;  a rundown of status messages I have loved today:

Rachel

“monogamy is for taxes” Erica

Also Rachel

Not like the cream of the crop… More like the 3rd tier of corn 😉

Anna

figures she should win the science fair, rule the kingdom and get the prince as an afterthought

This one was tecnically Mine, but Claire said it

Hamlet: When Lesbian Nuns Attack!*

*For your reference, the concept has since been changed to – Hamlet: An Island Adventure…call telecharge now!

(or at least expecting the answers to the Valentine’s FAQs)

Photo by cuorhome via flickr.

Photo by cuorhome via flickr.

What Special Foods Should I Eat/Serve on this Holiday and How Can they be Obtained?

You could take the traditional approach this Valentine’s Day by consulting the Slashfood list of some romantic foods or the Times reference section on chocolate. Or, take Grub’s Street’s advice and just eat…heart. Or, yah know, don’t.

If, by chance, you are trying to seduce someone like me, you know that your best bet is cheese. Or, if you are really trying to get me out of my pants as fast as possible, go for a chocolate and cheese combination.

But there is no need to get fancy this Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you and I’m cheap” quite like toast.

Finally, if you are single…or taken…or human, what you’ll really want to be eating this Valentine’s Day is Girl Scout Cookies – nothing says I love you like the sentence “take another one of my Thin Mints and I swear to god I will punch you in the face…again”. Unfortunately, the Cookie Gods are not a benevolent bunch (and apparently a nationwide troop of little girls doesn’t have the good sense or business acumen to ensure that people can have the option to pay obscene amounts of money for a little box of less-cookies-than-last-year in advance of Valentine’s Day) you will have to steal them.

What Should I Give The-Love-of-My-Life/This Dude (or Gal) I’ve Met Twice/My Hetero Life Mate/The Object of My Bromantic Affection this year?

Valentine’s Day is a gift-giving holiday. Like Halloween, a day engineered to encourage otherwise sane adult females to wander the streets of New York dressed like skanks, Valentine’s day allows you to go sailing across that fine line between gifts that are well thought out and gifts that are useless, silly or down right dirty.

For your single gal pal (or gay best friend) try these “Happy Valentine’s Day here’s a dude crying” magnets or go the good the old fashioned route with a sex toy. Sex toys are also the right choice for your lova’ (cause lets face it, who doesn’t love a gift that loves them back?) but this year you can also use your gal (or dudes) name to customize some word porn. Or, yah know, not.

If, like me, you’d like a big ol’ nerd to call your valentine I suggest this gift. Or, for your more sartorially minded nerds: these or these. Should your love be more bromantic in nature try one of these tshirts instead. Although, newsflash: if you are buying him clothes this isn’t a bromance, so maybe stick with beer.

If you are too cheap..errr romantic…to buy a gift this Valentine’s Day, why not compose your lady a love poem?

Hate someone this Valentine’s Day? Let them know by getting them a giant dead snake or, as Trojan suggests, give them the gift that keeps on giving – the clap.

What is the Best Course of Action if I’m Single this Valentine’s Day?

Spending Valentine’s Day alone this year? Not to worry, there are still lots of ways to be cuddled up by the end of the night! For starters you can buy your very own “Hug Me Pillow”, tear stains not included. If you’re interested in something a little more social  pack up your Hipster dating kit and head out to find yourself a beautiful single lady with straight bangs and plentiful tattoos, comes complete with a pleasantly hungover brunch the next morning. For those of you in New York (but outside of a one mile radius of Brooklyn) I suggest the oldest of Valentines traditions, tequila, preferably of the free variety.

Rachel Sent You Most of the Links Included in the Answers to the FAQs, does she ever work?

As far as I can tell? No.